Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and co-author of “Emily Post’s Etiquette, 18th edition”
Q. How many attendants should we have, and should there be an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen?
LIZZIE: There is no etiquette rule regarding the number of wedding attendants so the choice is up to you as a couple. The average is four to six bridesmaids and a similar number of groomsmen but there doesn’t have to be an equal number of each. If you are worried about pairing up for the recessional, bridesmaids can walk with bridesmaids, groomsmen with groomsmen, or, a groomsman can escort two bridesmaids, one on each arm.
Before you ask anyone to be in your wedding party, consider a few practicalities. For example, if the ceremony site itself is small you may only have room for one or two attendants. The more attendants you have, the more, styles, personalities, and logistics you have to coordinate. Budget should also be a consideration: The more attendants you have, the larger your expenses. The couple (or their families) is responsible for all bouquets, boutonnieres, and individual thank-you gifts for their attendants, as well as for their attendants’ lodging, if needed. The number of members of the bridal party will also affect the budget of the rehearsal dinner and reception, since you’re responsible for feeding and entertaining not only your attendants, but their spouses or significant others as well.
Q. I am recently engaged and just starting the wedding planning process. Many of our friends have moved over the years and our contact info is out of date. Is it rude to email guests and ask them to update their mailing and preferred email addresses?
LIZZIE: Not rude at all. You will have to collect this information somehow and this sounds like an efficient way to do it. This is and a good example of how technology can be helpful in the wedding planning process when used considerately. A friend of mine is getting married next summer and I just received a nice, polite email from him and his fiancée requesting I update my info with a link to a cute contact form on Google Docs. “Wedding planning has begun! If you wouldn’t mind, please enter your address info using the link below: …” Just be sure you only ask people who you are definitely inviting to the wedding. You wouldn’t want to imply an invitation is coming and then not send one. Now that would be rude!
Q. My fiancé and I are having a destination wedding. We mailed out save-the-date cards a year ago to give our guests as much time as possible to plan and save for the trip. We needed an approximate guest count for our planning purposes, so we included an RSVP card. Almost everyone responded, and now the time has come to mail out the invitations. Do we send an invitation to those who responded “No” to our save the date?
I know that anyone who receives a save the date should also get an invitation, but since there was already correspondence via snail-mail does this rule still apply? We don’t want to look like we are fishing for a gift, but we don’t want anyone to think they were somehow “uninvited.”
LIZZIE: You are correct: The technical, black-and-white answer is that those who receive a save-the-date notice also receive an invitation The simplest solution is to send invitations to all on your list, even if their first response was a “no.” Guests know from the save-the-date card that an invitation will follow and won’t be surprised to receive one. At a year out most people understand that their response was to give you a tentative answer for planning and that nothing was written in stone.
Consider sending invitations to family members and close friends even if they RSVP’d “no” to the save-the-date. They might be hurt not to receive an invitation and some might now be able to attend, something they didn’t think possible a year ago. It’s doubtful that an aunt and uncle or close friend would view your wedding invitation as an “ask” for a gift. Most likely they would give you a wedding gift out of their affection and happiness for you whether they attend the wedding or not. If you are concerned that some guests would think that you’re only looking for a gift, then it’s okay to take “no” for an answer from those friends who aren’t your nearest and dearest. You can always send them a wedding announcement after the wedding, which carries no gift obligation.
Q. Our daughter is getting married and we are in the process of wording the invitation. We want to include the first names of all four parents. Which is proper etiquette: Mr. James and Mrs. Alice Hopewell request the honor… to George, son of Mr. David and Mrs. Catherine Harper, or James and Alice Hopewell…. to George, son of David and Catherine Harper?
LIZZIE: . Since you would like to use first names, indicating a more informal style, then titles (Mr. and Mrs.) aren’t used and wives’ names come before husbands’. If the bride’s parents are hosting, then the groom’s parents are included in this way:
Alice and James Hopewell
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Laura Ann
to
George Matthew Harper
son of
Catherine and David Harper
etc.
Increasingly, the bride and the groom’s parents issue the wedding invitation jointly. This is particularly the case when the groom’s parents contribute to the expenses of the wedding. It is also a good way to honor both sets of parents, even if the expenses are not shared. The bride’s parents are listed first:
Alice and James Hopewell
and
Catherine and David Harper
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of
Laura Ann Hopewell
to
George Matthew Harper
etc.
Complete the invitation with the other important details, namely, where and when the wedding will take place and if the reception is to follow.
Q. We sent out our invitations eight weeks before the wedding and asked our guests to reply by a specific date, two weeks before our wedding day. We included response cards with stamped, addressed envelopes and also gave guests the option to reply by email. It’s a week before the due date and we haven’t heard from about twenty-five percent of the guests. What can we do?
LIZZIE: Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for guests to fail to respond to wedding invitations. It doesn’t seem to matter how easy the host makes it for the guest to send a response, there will be stragglers who are usually clueless as to their rudeness. On the day after your “reply by” date it is more than okay for you to contact these guests and inquire if they are attending or not. While their lack of consideration is causing extra work and worry for you, do your best to be your most gracious self. (After all, you do want this guest to be at your wedding!) A phone call will be more effective than an email—at least you’ll have an immediate response. “Hi, Bree! I’m checking to see if you and Jack be able to come to the wedding?” If your guest can’t give you an answer on the spot, then give a specific date that you need to hear by: “Could you please let me know by Wednesday? After that our caterer won’t accept any changes to the numbers. Hope you can be with us.”
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